The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked. ~Tillie Olsen, Tell Me a Riddle

has my brain ever been so full? ribbons of thought are swirling around in my mind tangling and knotting up. i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.. it's so distracting. they flash in front of my face and fade in and out of each other and they don't mean a thing. it blocks my sight and its distracting.

you say you don't want me to feel like i'm alone. you want me to feel like i have someone to lean on. lonely doesn't mean i don't have anyone. it means everyone thinks one way and i think another. lonely means i'm shouting for help but you don't speak the same language.

i ran away from a town where they try to stand up and stand out in a croud of hundreds standing up and standing out.

things

move

slower

here.

the worst disappointment.

"it's hard to love somebody so careless" ...that's what they say to me.
not with huge harsh arm gestures or shouted with red faces
but with silence. and shaking heads
as they turn their back on me.
"it's hard to love somebody so careless" that's exactly what's conveyed to me.

resolution.

Reality is just a haze of conceptions and misconceptions.
mostly the latter.

no resolve

Someone has to get it. I don't know. But someone might. Maybe? I watched this movie once, with my grandma. Into the Wild. He goes off into the wild by himself to find true happiness. Which makes sense. I guess at the beginning of everything.. at the beginning of any one's life we're born with something. I think. Some sort of potential I guess. Different things make different people happy and I think we're all born with our own means of happiness. Whether we decide to use it or not.. you know.. blah blah blah. I get it though. I get that he goes into the wild to find happiness because there is happiness out there. Anyway. That movie made me feel weird and it made my heart ache a little. At the end he decides that "Happiness is only real when shared". Sometimes when people say that no one understands them it gets viewed as some adolescent romanticism. I don't think so. No one does understand them. I promise. No one understands you and no one understands me. Would being understood make anyone happy, anyway? Do we need justification or validation or, you know, whatever. Just to be happy. Do we need some reassurance that "Hey, I get it. Your life sucks sometimes. My life sucks sometimes too. I get you." Does that really seem enough. I'm not sure what is enough.

Alexander Solzhenitsyn, this Russian guy who was a philosopher, historian, writer and whatever else. I tend to think he's right about most things. He says that "Any man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy." Which is a pretty universal quote I guess. But. Its just like.. I don't know. Its like this... you can convince yourself of anything. It doesn't make it true. You know? You can convince yourself that you are happy and you can act happy all the time but whatever does that make you happy? Is that all that happiness is? Slap a smiley on my face. I'm happy.

We have what we have in life and we do our best to make the most of it. But all you can do is try hard to make it enough.

Sometimes you see bad people doing bad things. And you have people in your life who you help you deal. Sometimes life has that downward spiral where you are the bad person doing bad things. And you hurt the only people you have to help you deal. And thats really hard. Its hard for me to accept that I'm a bad person. We're all bad people. I can accept that easily enough. We're all bad people. But I'm selfish enough to think that since I can see it so clearly, I should know better. I should know better. But I'm still twisting and bending everything so it fits me perfectly. I still hurt people I love. And I'm a bad person. And you're all just doing your best to find happiness.

I'm not sure. But maybe happiness is just a light at the end of the tunnel thing. It's not real.

Well. I don't mean that. It's real. Happiness is real. I feel happy.. I know it's real.

But it's not some destination you can just arrive at. It's only something you can convince yourself of. Brainwash yourself into believing. It's real. But it's an illusion.

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live." Mark Twain. Mark Twain is a pretty smart guy, too. But i'm not really sure what to think anymore. This thought has no resolution.

things will be fine.

There
is
no
more
comfort.
there is no more comfort in friendships and meaningful relationships
it all feels so
shallow.
nothing feels right.
the only thing that soothes me will hurt me
the only thing that helps me will ruin me
as if it matters. i wonder. does it even matter.

i'm up late tonight
all the worlds problems biting at my throat
and i realize i'm defenseless
might as well let them
sink their teeth in.

don't tell me things will be fine.
dont you think
i already know that.
the point is that things aren't fine now.
and all i want is some comfort.

it all feels shallow. nothing feels right.
there is no comfort in love.
and oh, how i love you. but i wonder,
does it even matter.

Testimony.

So. I think that a lot of people need their belief in a God. I think that some desperately cling to the idea just so they can make it through another day. I'm thinking specifically of addicts and 12 step programs. I certainly don't think this makes them weak.
Like, if I don't believe in a god then I resent anyone who does. No, I embrace religion.
Let me tell you why.
Each religion seems equally as likely to me. Each religion seems equally as absurd to me. Any one of them could be true. But I'll be the first to admit I highly doubt it. If you want to talk to me about Jesus Christ you might as well be talking about dragons or some other mythical creature. None of it rings true to me. I will listen and I will most likely be very interested in what you have to say. But it means nothing to me. It never has.
Well, except once.
I like to talk about God. And I like people to know my thoughts on it. A lot of people are really cool about it. Some aren't. But anyway.
Once I was taking care of a woman. She was dying. People get scared when they die. She wasn't scared. She was happy.
She told me over and over how she wanted to die. She wanted to see her daughter again. She asked me to pray with her. And, well. How do you say no? So I sat on the bed with her and we held hands and she prayed for her daughter. She prayed to see her face and hold her in her arms again. She begged God to take her so she could finally be with her again.
I said amen.
Even then, my words fell to the floor. We were talking to air and I truly believe no one heard that prayer except the two of us.
She seemed even more happy after the prayer. If you can imagine that's possible.
I felt worse.
I couldn't stop thinking. I don't believe in God. If there is no God then she will never see her daughter again. How awful. How unfair. What a sick joke on humanity religion is.
Anyway. This isn't some profound story. I still don't believe. But right then at least it meant something to me.
And the fact that other people believe still means a lot to me.
You ask me what I DO believe, I want to ask you why does it matter.

onelove.

i've heard people say that "i love you" is overused.
its lost its meaning.
like if we say it too much it will get
w a t e r e d d o w n
flimsy.
or something like that... i don't get it.

i've seen people afraid to say "i love you"
like it will expose them.
open them up and
invite rejection.
like they are saying it to make themselves feel better
and if it is received unwelcomed
they might feel stupid
or something like that.

don't you want to feel loved...??

why
wouldn't
you just
say it.

don't you want other people to feel loved?

i want you to know that
i love you
for a hundred reasons.