Someone has to get it. I don't know. But someone might. Maybe? I watched this movie once, with my grandma. Into the Wild. He goes off into the wild by himself to find true happiness. Which makes sense. I guess at the beginning of everything.. at the beginning of any one's life we're born with something. I think. Some sort of potential I guess. Different things make different people happy and I think we're all born with our own means of happiness. Whether we decide to use it or not.. you know.. blah blah blah. I get it though. I get that he goes into the wild to find happiness because there is happiness out there. Anyway. That movie made me feel weird and it made my heart ache a little. At the end he decides that "Happiness is only real when shared". Sometimes when people say that no one understands them it gets viewed as some adolescent romanticism. I don't think so. No one does understand them. I promise. No one understands you and no one understands me. Would being understood make anyone happy, anyway? Do we need justification or validation or, you know, whatever. Just to be happy. Do we need some reassurance that "Hey, I get it. Your life sucks sometimes. My life sucks sometimes too. I get you." Does that really seem enough. I'm not sure what is enough.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn, this Russian guy who was a philosopher, historian, writer and whatever else. I tend to think he's right about most things. He says that "Any man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy." Which is a pretty universal quote I guess. But. Its just like.. I don't know. Its like this... you can convince yourself of anything. It doesn't make it true. You know? You can convince yourself that you are happy and you can act happy all the time but whatever does that make you happy? Is that all that happiness is? Slap a smiley on my face. I'm happy.
We have what we have in life and we do our best to make the most of it. But all you can do is try hard to make it enough.
Sometimes you see bad people doing bad things. And you have people in your life who you help you deal. Sometimes life has that downward spiral where you are the bad person doing bad things. And you hurt the only people you have to help you deal. And thats really hard. Its hard for me to accept that I'm a bad person. We're all bad people. I can accept that easily enough. We're all bad people. But I'm selfish enough to think that since I can see it so clearly, I should know better. I should know better. But I'm still twisting and bending everything so it fits me perfectly. I still hurt people I love. And I'm a bad person. And you're all just doing your best to find happiness.
I'm not sure. But maybe happiness is just a light at the end of the tunnel thing. It's not real.
Well. I don't mean that. It's real. Happiness is real. I feel happy.. I know it's real.
But it's not some destination you can just arrive at. It's only something you can convince yourself of. Brainwash yourself into believing. It's real. But it's an illusion.
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live." Mark Twain. Mark Twain is a pretty smart guy, too. But i'm not really sure what to think anymore. This thought has no resolution.
this may not come as any resolution at all, but in what you are saying you are only looking at the bad. for example, saying were all bad people. and we all have to convince ourselves we're happy. but it's like when you were saying there are no good people and bad people theres bad and good in everyone. so at the very least there is still some good in people. and what if sadness or anger were illusions too? what if all our emotions are illusions? than it's all just the same?
ReplyDeleteyeah i'm not saying there isnt' good in people. but i iwasnt writing this because the good in people was on my mind. whats on my mind is the opposite. and my point was exactly that all emotions are illusions. and that there is nothing real or solid to hold on to. you just have what you convince yourself of. and that scares me so badly.
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