Testimony.

So. I think that a lot of people need their belief in a God. I think that some desperately cling to the idea just so they can make it through another day. I'm thinking specifically of addicts and 12 step programs. I certainly don't think this makes them weak.
Like, if I don't believe in a god then I resent anyone who does. No, I embrace religion.
Let me tell you why.
Each religion seems equally as likely to me. Each religion seems equally as absurd to me. Any one of them could be true. But I'll be the first to admit I highly doubt it. If you want to talk to me about Jesus Christ you might as well be talking about dragons or some other mythical creature. None of it rings true to me. I will listen and I will most likely be very interested in what you have to say. But it means nothing to me. It never has.
Well, except once.
I like to talk about God. And I like people to know my thoughts on it. A lot of people are really cool about it. Some aren't. But anyway.
Once I was taking care of a woman. She was dying. People get scared when they die. She wasn't scared. She was happy.
She told me over and over how she wanted to die. She wanted to see her daughter again. She asked me to pray with her. And, well. How do you say no? So I sat on the bed with her and we held hands and she prayed for her daughter. She prayed to see her face and hold her in her arms again. She begged God to take her so she could finally be with her again.
I said amen.
Even then, my words fell to the floor. We were talking to air and I truly believe no one heard that prayer except the two of us.
She seemed even more happy after the prayer. If you can imagine that's possible.
I felt worse.
I couldn't stop thinking. I don't believe in God. If there is no God then she will never see her daughter again. How awful. How unfair. What a sick joke on humanity religion is.
Anyway. This isn't some profound story. I still don't believe. But right then at least it meant something to me.
And the fact that other people believe still means a lot to me.
You ask me what I DO believe, I want to ask you why does it matter.