O lost by the wind, lost and grieved again.

How can you define yourself?
How do you look inside your heart and
know who you are and what you stand for.
And what it is, exactly, you stand against.
How can you even start to understand
what it is you want.
How would you even know where to begin... what starting line exists?
When every time you look in the mirror you
see someone slightly more aged,
and changed.
How could i possibly know where to go
when i get caught in the wind, and it
sways and manipulates me
into some other direction.
I don't know what building blocks come together
or what pieces are making me up.
I could contemplate myself forever
but I'll never reach the resolve.... what finish line exists?
When every time i'm quite sure i'll reach it

i get caught up again

and my foundation shakes
and all that i was just so sure of
got lost in the wind

...

i only tell you what you want to hear so it'll make you happy.
you seem to be oblivious to the fact that it's through clenched teeth anyway.
i just can't give you what you need. i just can't be there
when you need me. to save the day.
to soothe you with the sweet words you need to hear.
i've been pulled in every direction. i can hardly keep my focus.
i'm as far apart as i can go and everybody wants me,
to don my motley costume
to dance when they say dance.
to play the fool to keep you happy.
i'm stretched.
but i
still can't
reach
you.
not anymore.
it used to be worth it. to stand on my head just to
keep youhappy.
not anymore.

The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked. ~Tillie Olsen, Tell Me a Riddle

has my brain ever been so full? ribbons of thought are swirling around in my mind tangling and knotting up. i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.. it's so distracting. they flash in front of my face and fade in and out of each other and they don't mean a thing. it blocks my sight and its distracting.

you say you don't want me to feel like i'm alone. you want me to feel like i have someone to lean on. lonely doesn't mean i don't have anyone. it means everyone thinks one way and i think another. lonely means i'm shouting for help but you don't speak the same language.

i ran away from a town where they try to stand up and stand out in a croud of hundreds standing up and standing out.

things

move

slower

here.

the worst disappointment.

"it's hard to love somebody so careless" ...that's what they say to me.
not with huge harsh arm gestures or shouted with red faces
but with silence. and shaking heads
as they turn their back on me.
"it's hard to love somebody so careless" that's exactly what's conveyed to me.

resolution.

Reality is just a haze of conceptions and misconceptions.
mostly the latter.

no resolve

Someone has to get it. I don't know. But someone might. Maybe? I watched this movie once, with my grandma. Into the Wild. He goes off into the wild by himself to find true happiness. Which makes sense. I guess at the beginning of everything.. at the beginning of any one's life we're born with something. I think. Some sort of potential I guess. Different things make different people happy and I think we're all born with our own means of happiness. Whether we decide to use it or not.. you know.. blah blah blah. I get it though. I get that he goes into the wild to find happiness because there is happiness out there. Anyway. That movie made me feel weird and it made my heart ache a little. At the end he decides that "Happiness is only real when shared". Sometimes when people say that no one understands them it gets viewed as some adolescent romanticism. I don't think so. No one does understand them. I promise. No one understands you and no one understands me. Would being understood make anyone happy, anyway? Do we need justification or validation or, you know, whatever. Just to be happy. Do we need some reassurance that "Hey, I get it. Your life sucks sometimes. My life sucks sometimes too. I get you." Does that really seem enough. I'm not sure what is enough.

Alexander Solzhenitsyn, this Russian guy who was a philosopher, historian, writer and whatever else. I tend to think he's right about most things. He says that "Any man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy." Which is a pretty universal quote I guess. But. Its just like.. I don't know. Its like this... you can convince yourself of anything. It doesn't make it true. You know? You can convince yourself that you are happy and you can act happy all the time but whatever does that make you happy? Is that all that happiness is? Slap a smiley on my face. I'm happy.

We have what we have in life and we do our best to make the most of it. But all you can do is try hard to make it enough.

Sometimes you see bad people doing bad things. And you have people in your life who you help you deal. Sometimes life has that downward spiral where you are the bad person doing bad things. And you hurt the only people you have to help you deal. And thats really hard. Its hard for me to accept that I'm a bad person. We're all bad people. I can accept that easily enough. We're all bad people. But I'm selfish enough to think that since I can see it so clearly, I should know better. I should know better. But I'm still twisting and bending everything so it fits me perfectly. I still hurt people I love. And I'm a bad person. And you're all just doing your best to find happiness.

I'm not sure. But maybe happiness is just a light at the end of the tunnel thing. It's not real.

Well. I don't mean that. It's real. Happiness is real. I feel happy.. I know it's real.

But it's not some destination you can just arrive at. It's only something you can convince yourself of. Brainwash yourself into believing. It's real. But it's an illusion.

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live." Mark Twain. Mark Twain is a pretty smart guy, too. But i'm not really sure what to think anymore. This thought has no resolution.

things will be fine.

There
is
no
more
comfort.
there is no more comfort in friendships and meaningful relationships
it all feels so
shallow.
nothing feels right.
the only thing that soothes me will hurt me
the only thing that helps me will ruin me
as if it matters. i wonder. does it even matter.

i'm up late tonight
all the worlds problems biting at my throat
and i realize i'm defenseless
might as well let them
sink their teeth in.

don't tell me things will be fine.
dont you think
i already know that.
the point is that things aren't fine now.
and all i want is some comfort.

it all feels shallow. nothing feels right.
there is no comfort in love.
and oh, how i love you. but i wonder,
does it even matter.