I love you, please,

I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.
It's probably all the colorful little concerns flashing in front of my eyes
as soon as I close them.
Is there something to this world but words?

I'm drowning in the carbon dioxide that I exhale.
I'm killing myself by living.
You'll never know why I live this way.
Day. By. Day.

Is there something to this world but words?
The words you say, or I hear. That I write, and you read.
I could easily steal... pluck them from any bit of literature I find fits.
Plagiarise.
I didn't, but I could have. I'm just saying.
Doesn't it make you wonder? Dissect the anatomy of ideas and.
Just wonder.
Words are. Powerful.

Ugly. Weak.
The two edged sword of life.
Why doesn't anyone else have to breathe to breathe to breathe
just to exhale. It feels a lot like.
well.
Would you even care if I told you.

I'm not done here. I just want you to know.
I'm thinking about you, when I'm crying about me.
Even when we're laughing together and my hair is out of place and you say it.
And for just a second we put on our masks and we convince
even ourselves.
That every heart beat of life, isn't just digging us deeper.

I need, deeply
to hide.
Will I drown?
is this really how it's supposed to be.

By the way. I love you more.
So much more
than you'll ever know.

that's just life, or so they tell me.

i guess there's a time in everyone's life for struggling. but you can't make it through alone.
driving to the grocery store with your food stamps, hoping your piece of shit car will even get you home.. and you're wondering what the hell is the point. that's when you start to realize that even if you haven't got a single thing of value to your name, you have friends. and you're sitting in a circle, talking about how we don't have any money to do anything, or enough gas to take us anywhere worthwhile. and how sometimes we just hate life. but right now... it doesn't seem so bad. because at least you're not alone, you're understood, and there's no one you'd rather be surrounded by.
and yeah, sometimes we hate life... but we're smiling anyway.

surviving through the days feeling so cold. wondering what the hell is the point, because you spent money on what you wanted instead of what you needed. and you just hope you can make this paycheck last til the next. and you just want to cry... until your mom calls you to invite you for sunday dinner. and you realize the only people you can count on in this life is family, even if you can't count on another living soul. and no matter how cold it gets, that feels pretty warm.

O lost by the wind, lost and grieved again.

How can you define yourself?
How do you look inside your heart and
know who you are and what you stand for.
And what it is, exactly, you stand against.
How can you even start to understand
what it is you want.
How would you even know where to begin... what starting line exists?
When every time you look in the mirror you
see someone slightly more aged,
and changed.
How could i possibly know where to go
when i get caught in the wind, and it
sways and manipulates me
into some other direction.
I don't know what building blocks come together
or what pieces are making me up.
I could contemplate myself forever
but I'll never reach the resolve.... what finish line exists?
When every time i'm quite sure i'll reach it

i get caught up again

and my foundation shakes
and all that i was just so sure of
got lost in the wind

...

i only tell you what you want to hear so it'll make you happy.
you seem to be oblivious to the fact that it's through clenched teeth anyway.
i just can't give you what you need. i just can't be there
when you need me. to save the day.
to soothe you with the sweet words you need to hear.
i've been pulled in every direction. i can hardly keep my focus.
i'm as far apart as i can go and everybody wants me,
to don my motley costume
to dance when they say dance.
to play the fool to keep you happy.
i'm stretched.
but i
still can't
reach
you.
not anymore.
it used to be worth it. to stand on my head just to
keep youhappy.
not anymore.

The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked. ~Tillie Olsen, Tell Me a Riddle

has my brain ever been so full? ribbons of thought are swirling around in my mind tangling and knotting up. i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.. it's so distracting. they flash in front of my face and fade in and out of each other and they don't mean a thing. it blocks my sight and its distracting.

you say you don't want me to feel like i'm alone. you want me to feel like i have someone to lean on. lonely doesn't mean i don't have anyone. it means everyone thinks one way and i think another. lonely means i'm shouting for help but you don't speak the same language.

i ran away from a town where they try to stand up and stand out in a croud of hundreds standing up and standing out.

things

move

slower

here.

the worst disappointment.

"it's hard to love somebody so careless" ...that's what they say to me.
not with huge harsh arm gestures or shouted with red faces
but with silence. and shaking heads
as they turn their back on me.
"it's hard to love somebody so careless" that's exactly what's conveyed to me.

resolution.

Reality is just a haze of conceptions and misconceptions.
mostly the latter.