always careful

store up for a while
what things you might need
no more, you see.
it shouldn't be too long
so just the staples
in case something goes wrong
we've lived with the sins
they come again
 we thought we were safe.
in and out of haunted woods,
at best- it's my imagination.. 
red is the dial
     it's denial
the always wrong inside a wrong
                 inside a wrong-- forgetting all the rights.
just point them out
and pass them by
and hold, still, your head high.

miracle.

you know how you think it'll never happen to you.

one tiny mistake made by either them or you.
and tick tick tick.
the last few seconds of your life count down.
that's what walking this thin line means, that's what living this life means.
and they say, "is it really worth it?" and i say, "is that really relevant?"
when the worth of my life is counted up in fifteen dollar increments... its hard to remember whats worth what, in the real world.
there's no way for me to say it, when why would you believe a word of it, anyway.
there's nothing left i can say.
one person tells me they love me. they don't think anything less of me, they know i'm better than this. and another tells me they just don't think it's going to be enough. and if i pull through it'll be a miracle. everything anyone says hurts.
they land on my shoulders and and it's just another weight to carry.
everyone's just waiting. and watching. counting on the second when it's all just too heavy.
and tick tick tick
the last few seconds of my life count down.
and nothing hurts worse than that.
my hearts never felt so broken.

there's no way to show you how i feel
there's just
no way
i can make you understand. that i feel it, where i've never felt it before.
just wait. and watch.
but there's nothing else
for me to say.
you'd never believe a word of it, anyway.

I love you, please,

I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.
It's probably all the colorful little concerns flashing in front of my eyes
as soon as I close them.
Is there something to this world but words?

I'm drowning in the carbon dioxide that I exhale.
I'm killing myself by living.
You'll never know why I live this way.
Day. By. Day.

Is there something to this world but words?
The words you say, or I hear. That I write, and you read.
I could easily steal... pluck them from any bit of literature I find fits.
Plagiarise.
I didn't, but I could have. I'm just saying.
Doesn't it make you wonder? Dissect the anatomy of ideas and.
Just wonder.
Words are. Powerful.

Ugly. Weak.
The two edged sword of life.
Why doesn't anyone else have to breathe to breathe to breathe
just to exhale. It feels a lot like.
well.
Would you even care if I told you.

I'm not done here. I just want you to know.
I'm thinking about you, when I'm crying about me.
Even when we're laughing together and my hair is out of place and you say it.
And for just a second we put on our masks and we convince
even ourselves.
That every heart beat of life, isn't just digging us deeper.

I need, deeply
to hide.
Will I drown?
is this really how it's supposed to be.

By the way. I love you more.
So much more
than you'll ever know.

that's just life, or so they tell me.

i guess there's a time in everyone's life for struggling. but you can't make it through alone.
driving to the grocery store with your food stamps, hoping your piece of shit car will even get you home.. and you're wondering what the hell is the point. that's when you start to realize that even if you haven't got a single thing of value to your name, you have friends. and you're sitting in a circle, talking about how we don't have any money to do anything, or enough gas to take us anywhere worthwhile. and how sometimes we just hate life. but right now... it doesn't seem so bad. because at least you're not alone, you're understood, and there's no one you'd rather be surrounded by.
and yeah, sometimes we hate life... but we're smiling anyway.

surviving through the days feeling so cold. wondering what the hell is the point, because you spent money on what you wanted instead of what you needed. and you just hope you can make this paycheck last til the next. and you just want to cry... until your mom calls you to invite you for sunday dinner. and you realize the only people you can count on in this life is family, even if you can't count on another living soul. and no matter how cold it gets, that feels pretty warm.

O lost by the wind, lost and grieved again.

How can you define yourself?
How do you look inside your heart and
know who you are and what you stand for.
And what it is, exactly, you stand against.
How can you even start to understand
what it is you want.
How would you even know where to begin... what starting line exists?
When every time you look in the mirror you
see someone slightly more aged,
and changed.
How could i possibly know where to go
when i get caught in the wind, and it
sways and manipulates me
into some other direction.
I don't know what building blocks come together
or what pieces are making me up.
I could contemplate myself forever
but I'll never reach the resolve.... what finish line exists?
When every time i'm quite sure i'll reach it

i get caught up again

and my foundation shakes
and all that i was just so sure of
got lost in the wind

...

i only tell you what you want to hear so it'll make you happy.
you seem to be oblivious to the fact that it's through clenched teeth anyway.
i just can't give you what you need. i just can't be there
when you need me. to save the day.
to soothe you with the sweet words you need to hear.
i've been pulled in every direction. i can hardly keep my focus.
i'm as far apart as i can go and everybody wants me,
to don my motley costume
to dance when they say dance.
to play the fool to keep you happy.
i'm stretched.
but i
still can't
reach
you.
not anymore.
it used to be worth it. to stand on my head just to
keep youhappy.
not anymore.

The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked. ~Tillie Olsen, Tell Me a Riddle

has my brain ever been so full? ribbons of thought are swirling around in my mind tangling and knotting up. i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.. it's so distracting. they flash in front of my face and fade in and out of each other and they don't mean a thing. it blocks my sight and its distracting.

you say you don't want me to feel like i'm alone. you want me to feel like i have someone to lean on. lonely doesn't mean i don't have anyone. it means everyone thinks one way and i think another. lonely means i'm shouting for help but you don't speak the same language.

i ran away from a town where they try to stand up and stand out in a croud of hundreds standing up and standing out.

things

move

slower

here.